Guys and Girls – Using Pause Conditioning To Overcome Your Dating Fears
I recently read an article from Carlos Xuma talking about dating inner game – and the fears and problems that go along with dating, in general, for BOTH men and women. The interesting this is, the fears and problems that men and women have with dating are similar – but not the same, just as what attracts women to men is not the same as what attracts men to women.
When it all boils down, it seems that most of the biggest fears men have are centered around (whether they know it or not) being a capable alpha male, having an alpha personality while women’s are centered around being an able and acceptable mate. (Now, ladies, don’t bludgeon me to death – what I mean is women seem to be more worries about being found acceptable and finding emotional common-ground than men are!)
Here is the list of the 5 biggest fears for Men and Women in dating:
WOMEN’S BIGGEST DATING FEARS:
1. She is not physically or sexually attractive to him (Acceptance)
2. She is not able to foster an emotional connection with him (Retention)
3. She will not get a commitment from him (Retention)
4. She will lose an emotional connection if she DOES connect with him (Retention)
5. She will be left behind for another woman (Retention)
MEN’S BIGGEST DATING FEARS:
1. He will experience rejection or embarrassment (He does not understand what attracts women to men)
2. He will give up his freedom if he does form a connection (He does not understand the alpha personality)
3. He will be seen as unsuccessful or unable to provide for her (alpha male Fears)
4. He will not satisfy her sexually (alpha male Fears)
5. He will not understand her emotions (He does not understand the alpha personality)
So, in looking at these dating fears, we can see a big difference in what men and women think – and we can also see that fear in dating is perfectly natural, and prevalent on BOTH sides of the coin.
Men seem to fear being inadequate in more ways than one – not being able to fulfill her sexual needs, not being able to attract her pr provide for her, not understanding the woman-speak of emotions and emotional needs. Men’s fears seem to center more around alpha behaviors – attracting her, sexually satisfying her, etc – and whether or not they will be able to fulfill these portions of the “dating contract”. If men understood the characteristics of the alpha personality, they would alleviate MANY of these fears easily.
Women, on the other hand, seem to be more afraid of acceptance and retention of a mate – such as not being attractive (thus not selected), not being able to get a commitment, losing her connection, etc. these fears center more around her ability to keep the man she attracts rather than the initial attraction. If a woman understood the concepts of what attracts women to men and vice-versa, they would feel better about this as well.
If you look closely, though, it really seems to fit the same old stereo-type – women need emotional security and men need to feel they can complete the role of the leader and provider.
Go figure!
So – what is one great dating tip that can help EITHER sex take a deep breath and flow more positively and confidently into the role they want? Carlos Xuma calls it “Pause Conditioning”.
Interesting. What he means is this – in the moment that you are in – in the moment of interaction where you feel yourself responding to a stimulus with a knee-jerk reaction that reflects a defensive or unconscious response….
PAUSE.
Here are some examples for men….
-You approach a woman and she does not acknowledge your presence immediately.
What do you do? Do you get immediately embarrassed and walk away and ignore her, or do you…pause…take a deep breath and realize that perhaps she needs a greater attractive opening than you have given her? Perhaps you need to change your approach a little, tweak it to succeed.
-You order a drink for a woman but she seems to only accept it because she is being polite.
What do you do? Do you tell her see you later and walk away with your face on fire? Or do you change your game up a bit and start on the Cocky Comedy and try to spark the attraction?
-You have a sexual experience with a woman and she does not seem fulfilled.
What do you do? Do you never call her again because you are embarrassed, or do you dive in with gusto, taking charge, listening to her body language and showing her passion and the male dominance that women crave in the bedroom?
Keep in mind, men, that if you were to educate yourself about alpha male characteristics, you could blow these fears out of the water easily!
Here are a few examples for women….
-You are with a guy and he looks at another woman.
Do you immediately call him a snake and smack him with your purse, or get angry? Or do you realize that men are visual creatures, take a deep breath and pull out a few attractive tricks of your own from your personal arsenal?
-You feel your man is withdrawn and pulling away.
Do you get clingy and needy trying to evoke his protective response, or do you lean back a little and allow him to come to you when he is ready?
-You are flirting with a guy and he starts coming on to you sexually
Do you respond in kind because you really like him, or do you re-asses your situation and realize that just maybe immediate gratification is not what you NEED in a relationship?
For any of these situations, and a million more that come up in everyday life, if you can train yourself to PAUSE and take a few moments to reflect before you react, you will train yourself to think before you act, and to take actions, then, that are MUCH more along the lines of what YOU want to accomplish in your life.
This goes for dating, relationships, and ANY arena that you are involved in. For men, this is a KEY alpha-male characteristics, leading to calm, logical decisions and not knee-jerk fight or flight responses. For women, it is the same – alpha-female characteristics that lead to mature, lasting relationships full of love with a man who realizes that he has a rare gem on his hands.
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