Confronting Financial Problems Without Destroying Your Relationship
by Linda Van Fleet
One of the biggest challenges of marriage is how to cope with and overcome financial problems without destroying the union. In fact, often times it is financial difficulties that lead to the separation and ultimate divorce of many couples. Financial problems are very real in the United States, especially since so many people are in debt.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Although it can be quite difficult to meet financial problems and debt head-on, if a couple is willing to work together they can survive a financial crisis without having their marriage destroyed. In fact the outcome of working together to solve financial difficulties can make the marriage bond even stronger.
If you are going through hard times financially, then there are a three things to keep in mind that will help you make it through this time together.
1. Remember…You’re a Team
- First of all, it is so important that you remember that you are in this together. You work as a team, and if there are financial problems you will work together to get through it. Just knowing that you have each other and you are confronting the problem together can be a huge help.
- Stop blaming others (especially your spouse) for your financial problems. It is so easy to pass the blame – I’ve done it a million times. When things go wrong those irritating issues you have with your spouse get bigger and bigger and you find yourself seeing only those things. Suddenly, the situation has become his fault. If only “he” had done this or that – if only “she” would do ….. I‘m sure you get the picture. Don’t do it. You are a team. You share equally in the blame. If you have debt, then it is both of your debt, and if money is tight, then it is a problem that both of you have to deal with together. When you remember that you are a team, it is much easier to get through this difficulty with your marriage intact.
- Take full responsibility. This goes hand in hand with “stop blaming others.” You are responsible. Often times circumstances beyond our control will put us into a precarious financial situation. Its just a fact of life. Sadly, as long as you refuse to take responsibility of the situation you will continue to drown in debt and financial problems. To accept responsibility will make it easier to take charge of the situation and take the correct actions. Only when you and your spouse accept the full responsibility will you be in charge of the situation. If you are pushing the blame onto someone or something else – even if they (or it) really are to blame – you will continue in your same state of being: frustrated, angry, hopeless and helpless to change your situation. “Someone else” cannot fix your problem; you must do it. And it will not happen until you take full responsibility.
Now while it is important that you don’t talk about the financial problems ALL the time, you must find time to discuss them so that you can arrive at a solution together. One big mistake couples make when they are in financial difficulty is to stop communicating. Don’t fall into that trap. You need to be sure that you are communicating about your finances. Talking with each other can help you find the best ways that you can start making your finances better. Talk through the problem and work together to come up with logical answers instead of getting frustrated and making accusations or blaming the financial problems on your spouse.
Above all — Be honest with each other. I know a woman who constantly lies to her husband. She went on a crusie with her friends and told him she went to New Orleans on a business trip. He asked her not to use credit cards, she said “Okay,” and had the address on her credit cards changed to go to her daugther’s house. He didn’t find out about it until she lost her job and could no longer pay the $45,000 if credit card debt she had accumulated. Needless to say that marriage is in trouble.
Amazingly, many couples do not even have a budget. If you want to make it through financial problems together, then you are going to need to create one. A budget will help you to know what you are spending and will also help you avoid overspending. Sit down together and come up with a realistic budget that you can live with, and then start working toward getting out of the financial problem.
A few tips to help you get started:
- Put everything on paper – income, outgo, savings – everything. You can’t really fix something if you don’t know how badly it is broken. Make a budget based on the information (above). This is so important. If you are not sure how to do this, go to the library or do a little research online to find the help you need.
- Make a list of all your assets. Write down everything you use on a daily basis and everything you have that is “for investment” or pleasure (luxury items). Now put an asterisk by each item on your list that you can liquidate for cash. Be willing to turn loose of everything that is not necessary for your family’s health and well-being. This includes all luxury items, things you are holding on to, investments, etc — things you can possibly liquidate to pay off a debt. So many couples are afraid of “losing” what they have. It is not “losing it” if you make a rational decision to use it to delete or lower debt. It is wisdom. In a nutshell – cut the fluff from your life until you get your finances in order.
- Tighten your belt and pay cash for everything. Stop using credit cards. If you cannot pay for something with cash don’t buy it. Also, don’t spend a dime without writing it down. You need to SEE where the money is going and you need to stick to the budget you have made.
Believe it or not, if the two of you work through financial problems in the right way, it can actually bond you closer together and improve your marriage. You really can confront financial problems without destroying your relationship. While there are many people who end up divorcing over money problems, make sure that your marriage is not another statistic. Save your marriage. Take the time to work together through the problems, which will make your finances and your marriage much stronger.
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